A year later (almost) and nothing has changed. Why? I am a coward. I am so miserable and feel so trapped. Why can't I speak? Why can't I say the words that need to be said? Why do they stop in my chest and refuse to come out? It hurts. Day after day. More angry with myself for allowing myself to continue like this. It is pain. It is brutal. It is not what I want. If I say something he goes into victim stance. I get nothing in return. No acknowledgement of how I feel. It's like I have said nothing because then he goes on with his life like nothing is said. Damn it!! He is killing me. I am killing myself. I have grown to hate him. Despise him. Resent him. Can't even speak to him. Not without venom.

Haven't been here in a while. Things haven't changed. A couple more conversations but nothing has changed. I felt a little bit better getting it out on occasion but nothing has changed. I work so hard. I am stubborn. Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't care about them? At least like a husband. It doesn't make sense. Yes, I should suck it up and make a move. Like to another place. But it's the house. And the child who has lived so many years in it. I am miserable. Depressed. Unliking most things in my life right now. Feeling worthless at my job. Argh. Yup. Nothing a good run won't fix. Ha!

Too many tears. What direction to take? I know exactly what I need to do, but too scared to do it. I am not generally scared to do anything. Except the important things. I can't leave my house. It is the one thing that is really keeping me together. If only he wasn't in it. I start to freak out on Friday afternoons thinking I have the next two days to spend in that house. With him. There is so little recourse. If I leave I can be found of abandoning my home. I will not do that. I don't want to leave without my daughter, either. I will not have her lose the house she has been growing up in. I bought this house for life. So much for the marriage. I can't even talk. I have so much fear about talking to him about all of this. Partly because his response up until now has been so incredibly barely a response. So pathetic. Yes, that is how I feel. Is he just waiting me out? Thinking eventually I will leave? I love the house so much way more than him. Partly because what if it does end? That is really scary too. Am I making a wrong decision? Is there a way to make sure? I am hating each and every moment with him. He is a good man. I just don't love him. I am irritated at pretty much everything he does, says, is. Despite telling him what I want or need he still does not respond to my needs. I feel selfish. There are women who would do anything for a man like my husband. I just want something different. Someone told me not too long ago that I am dying inside. And that is exactly how it feels.

So, really. Now he will go to the shrink he hated before. Sounds desperate. Why did it take so long for him to finally (?) get how unhappy I am? Oh well, who knows. I can't just come back and say ok all is good now. I love you again and we can make nice. Blech. Not gonna happen. On my end-I just wish we could figure something out so we are both happy. But wait! he is happy. I 'm not sure how. There is no relationship. I am his "mother". He is safe under this roof. Taken care of.
Can't think about it.
Work after a long break for the holidays. Took a while to get into it. Loved the last hour. I love it when it all comes together and feels so right.
A run is what I need. Don't I always tell people that it is the great mood stablilizer. Helps to work out aggression. Or ickiness. But it is like 2 degrees here. Not kidding. Cold. And in the morning it will be colder. Brrr. Treadmill v. outside. Sounds like a no-brainer. But the fresh crisp air. Mmmm. I have the clothes. Then coming back in to warmth. All those endorphines popping in my brain. :) So freaking happy!

Still practicing with this blog thing. I know that I am about 20 years behind but that's ok. I've been busy. Still am, but in different ways. Some day I would like to be busy with something that really floats my boat. I enjoy what I do but it doesn't satisfy me like it used to. I had a great job, loving getting up every morning and going to work. That ended because the county decided it wasn't worthy. What I do for a living isn't valued by many.
I would like to enjoy my relationship with my husband. I wish I had a relationship with my husband. He doesn't get it. He can just go on in life not worrying about anything. I can tell him I am not happy with our marriage and he can turn around and get into something else. It's difficult. I have thought about looking for another man to be with, but I don't agree with cheating. So I stay alone. My husband says he loves me, but I believe he is comfortable with the way things are. I am not.
My shrink said he doesn't think I would be in therapy if my marriage was better. The husband went once to therapy with me-hated it and won't go back. A little ego damaging considering that is what I do for a living. So little respect, validation.
So what am I looking for...who knows. Something that will be sustaining. Like a good meal. A good hardy stew or chowder. With some nice bread. Like what I made for dinner tonight.
More days, more time. More life.

The Beginning

Well, it had to start somewhere. There is always so much to say until you actually sit down to say it. This being my first blog entry for my first blog will have the requirement to pull in readers. No, not really, just a place to put my thoughts. If others like them, hate them, agree, disagree that is for them. Feed back is something that I do like. Until I get it. If it's negative. I adore positive feedback. But I will accept it all. Graciously, with a stoicism unmatched by most. Lots of practice throughout my life.
For now, I tinker with the blog. I will refine and alter. Much like I would like to do with my life. A bit of reality to match the unrealness I feel in the day to day. Yes, I make up words. All the time.
I can write about just about anything. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. :)